As I write this, I’m cold, a little wet, and listening to my wife laugh at my own stupidity. I just spent 90 minutes outside my back door in December weather because I locked myself out of the house. Again.
This is something I’m a pro at doing, and this isn’t even close to being the first time it’s happened. I have a bit of a situation here where the bathroom in my basement is lower than the drain that goes out to the sewer. That means there must be a pump that lifts water from the sink and toilet up to the drain, and mine seems to be permanently broken. When nature calls and it calls a number one, I just pop out the back door and water the bushes. The joy of living in the countryside.
I’m sure that a real and qualified plumber knows the right solution so I can pee inside but I don’t know any plumbers and I’m afraid of what this solution is going to cost me. So I have a couple of solutions of my own: get one of those fake rockish things to hide the spare key, stop locking the door behind me when I go out for a business meeting with the bush case, or just move into the 21st century and buy a damn smart lock.
I guess there is another solution, but I’m just unsure about this one : :/
I think I’ll just go with the smart lock instead of acting like I work for Amazon and have to pee in a plastic bottle.
Now the hard part – which one should you buy?
I have to be honest and say that I hate smart locks. Part of it is spending so much time in hotels having to play with fuzzy electronic locks that just suck, and another part is remembering how things used to be and that you could bypass a lot of them with a 9-volt battery and a paper clip. Hopefully times have changed and there are some really good smart locks out there just waiting to meet my wallet.
I also need one that works instead of a door handle because I have no lock on the back door. I have never had a need because the only one
person thing that might try to break in is a bear looking for more delicious junk to eat. I really don’t want to break out a drill and a hole saw to put in a deadbolt because it’s a lot of measuring and a new door isn’t cheap if and when I screw it up.
I’m the type to stress over every little thing when I spend more than $20. I know I’m going to read a million reviews and what all the security experts have to say while changing my mind a hundred times, but I’m leaning towards the Yale Assure lever lock (opens in a new tab).
I need one that uses a touchpad because I leave my phone setting on the desk next to my keys and wallet when I go out for a quick ring. Shouting “HEY GOOGLE UNLOCK THE DOOR!!!!!!” or using an app on my phone isn’t going to work and I’m not always wearing a smartwatch. Entering my super secret code – which is clearly not 8675309 – to get back in is what I need.
A big part of me is scared. I almost just want to get a “dumb” lock with a keyboard and avoid all this newfangled nonsense with smart locks and hackers and apps and such. I also want to yell at the neighbor’s children when they run across my garden, but understand that I have to suppress these impulses, otherwise I will become a father. Dad broke the little window in the door and reached through and unlocked the thing, complaining for weeks about having to pay money to replace the glass. I love you dad, but you’re a little crazy in an old man way.
It has to be a good smart lock that works without a lock, that doesn’t deal with batteries and wires, and that doesn’t have hundreds of well-known companies, so some smart kid in Croatia, Argentina, or Seattle can unlock my house. I just have to find it.
This is difficult and stressful. Maybe the Gatorade bottle is the way to go after all.