Whether you consider it a party game or a fighting game, there is no doubt that Super Smash Bros is one of the most popular choices for groups of players. But we don’t always choose our friends; only so many people can fit at your table during lunch. And whether we like it or not, they’re the only ones with a Nintendo Wii U.
Take Jeremy, for example. They claim to be the best as Smash Bros. But this is nothing but an untruth. They totally lie about it; they just want to seem cool in front of Jessica. We can prove it too. Here’s all the evidence Jeremy cheats as Super Smash Bros.
9/9 His father doesn’t work for Nintendo
Jeremy likes to tell people that his dad works for Nintendo. This is how he allegedly knows which characters will be added to Smash next. He also claims that he uses these connections to play against the developers, so he’s “like, super good” at the game.
We knew something was wrong when his previous claim about Goku becoming DLC ended up being wrong. We asked our own dad about Jeremy’s dad (since our dad could beat up their dad) and he told us that Jeremy’s dad is actually the regional manager of a Waffle House.
We should have realized the truth sooner. Breakfast at his place was always strangely delicious.
8/9 He doesn’t tell you all the controls
One of the things that makes Smash Bros such a hit is the game’s “easy to learn, hard to master” style. You don’t need to know complex combos or complicated controls to have fun. You can mash buttons and still have as much as if you were to learn things like spot dodging, footstools, short jumps and wave dancing.
At least we’d like to learn, but Jeremy refuses to tell us how. He keeps saying it was an accident and he didn’t know how he did them. But if it was true, how does he keep doing it so often? It gives him an advantage and it’s not fair at all.
7/9 He makes you use the gross controller
We all prefer to use the good controllers. You know the kind: official name brand, new, maybe even wireless. However, we don’t always get what we want. Jeremy only has one good controller. So every time you try to play Smash Bros with him, you have to use one of the third party controllers.
These controllers, emblazoned with the word “Nitrodude” on the front, are always oddly shaped, made of too-light plastic, and they’ve already shredded the rubber from the thumb. Jeremy says it’s because his brother chewed on them. But as far as we’ve seen, Jeremy is an only child.
6/9 He was seen shaking hands with a man in a suit at the crossroads
Did you notice how Jeremy got really good at Smash Bros? It apparently happened overnight. Not just good, but REALLY good? When he plays, he goes into this weird trance too.
Well, I spoke to Duke Hershal, the local constable. He told me that one of the milkmaids down at O’Connor’s farm saw Jeremy talking to a strange, well-dressed man in the middle of the old dirt road down the road. After a while they shook hands and left. What do you think they were talking about?
5/9 He only plays as Toon Link
Look, there’s nothing inherently wrong with playing as any link, toon or otherwise. He is a powerful character with a wide variety of attacks in his toolkit. It’s different when the person playing them does nothing but run off to the side of the map and spam boomerangs and arrows. Approaching him is a nightmare and absolutely no fun.
It’s even worse when he refuses to let anyone else play as Toon Link. According to him, it makes no sense for several of the same person to be in the same match, so it is not allowed when we play. We tried to tell him how Triforce Heroes (the hugely popular 3DS spinoff game) means more Toon Links are canon, but he won’t listen.
4/9 The frost giants tell of his betrayal
Legend has it that the Jotuns, the inhabitants of Jotunheimr who are neither related to man nor god, often had the power to see things that had not yet been. In ancient temples you can find murals carved by the frost giants depicting future events.
One such event depicted includes a human looking strikingly close to Jeremy. It tells the story of this young man who changed the settings on a Super Smash Bros game to make his character stronger than everyone else’s. Historians would later give these events the title Rag-Jer-Rok. And although the murals’ depictions are not explicit, we suspect that the events it foretells are approaching.
3/9 He knows how to hack things
Jeremy knows how to do the hacker stuff you see on TV. He told us about it and said he figured out how to get to the dark web. Once there, he took some hacking courses and convinced a professional hacker to take him on as an apprentice. He even showed us our IP address to prove it.
If he can download a car (like he wanted to), who’s to say he can’t hack a video game? He could put in some sort of super boost that only works for him and we’d never know. This would also explain how he was able to unlock all the characters so quickly.
2/9 The real Jeremy has been dead for 35 years
Have you ever noticed that when you hang out or talk to Jeremy, it’s always been one-on-one? Didn’t you think it was odd that no one else seemed to be talking to him either?
Jeremy died 35 years ago. He decided to try some online gaming and spent the night playing in For Glory mode. The toxicity was too great; his body couldn’t handle it. You know this; you went to his funeral. Jeremy is not here anymore. Please, you must move on. It’s time to let him go.
1/9 He did not play on an original unmodified SB Arcade PCB
We have received a statement from Will’s older brother, the official supplier of video game discs to the Springfield Public Library, regarding Jeremy’s recent allegations. They conducted an investigation along with two other third-party groups. All three did their own research and came to the same conclusion: Jeremy has not played on an original unmodified Smash Bros arcade PCB.
This does not confirm if Jeremy cheated or not. However, it is against official competition rules. As such, Jeremy’s record will be erased and his title as world record holder will be revoked.
Next: Smash characters who should get their own game